There is growing research exploring the connection between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and the challenges some women experience during perimenopause and menopause.
I share this because the women I see in midlife are often revisiting childhood trauma, questioning relationships and careers, experiencing intensified grief around life transitions, navigating the reality of children growing up and moving away, caring for aging parents, confronting mortality, redefining boundaries, and revisiting grief from past losses.
And so many of them are deeply confused by one question:
Why does life feel harder now, when my responsibilities are actually getting lighter?
One piece of the conversation that deserves more attention is the role of changing hormones.
As estrogen declines during the menopause transition, some women experience changes in mood regulation, stress resilience, sleep, and emotional processing. For women with a history of adversity or trauma, this can sometimes feel like old wounds are suddenly resurfacing—even wounds they thought they had already worked through.
Perimenopause can also be a vulnerable time for the emergence or recurrence of depression and anxiety. And while the relationship between menopause, mental health, trauma history, and suicide risk is complex, it is important to recognize that significant mood changes in midlife should not automatically be dismissed as simply “my lifelong anxiety” or “my lifelong depression.”
Sometimes, something has changed.
And sometimes, that change includes our capacity.
“Lack of capacity” is a phrase I use often when talking about midlife.
For me, it means no longer having the capacity to push through and maintain the level of productivity I once did—which, if I’m being honest, probably wasn’t a healthy baseline to begin with.
It means no longer having the capacity to constantly please everyone.
It means speaking up for what I actually need and how I really feel.
It means no longer overriding the messages my body is sending me in the name of staying comfortable, keeping the peace, or doing what I think is expected of me.
In other words, I’m learning to listen to the wise part of myself instead of automatically retreating to the younger parts of me that learned how to survive by pleasing, performing, staying quiet, or putting myself last.
I don’t share this to discourage women in midlife.
I share it to empower you.
When your hormones aren’t quite getting you where you want to be, and the lifestyle changes you’re committed to aren’t producing the results you expected… when you’re doing all the “right” things to care for your physical health and you still find yourself feeling sad, melancholy, triggered, or overwhelmed—it may be worth looking beyond the physical.
It can be helpful to consider your ACE (adverse childhood experiences)score and to bring your experiences before the age of 18 into the conversation.
I often look at the women around me and wonder:
Why does she seem to be having an easier time than I am?
And then I remember that we don’t all begin midlife from the same starting point.
Our childhood experiences, early support systems, relationships, coping strategies, and the ways we learned to care for—or disconnect from—our bodies can all shape how we experience this season of life.
And this is where I find the empowerment.
You have influence over what you eat, how you move your body, the people you surround yourself with, and the support you seek.
And you also have the opportunity to begin partnering with the parts of yourself that struggled earlier in life.
To ask:
What does that younger part of me need from me now?
Where am I saying yes when I really mean no?
Where am I ignoring what my body is trying to tell me?
Where am I prioritizing comfort over alignment?
What would it look like to finally put myself on my own list?
I bring you what I journey myself.
Full disclosure: Midlife has reawakened some of my own old triggers and challenged me to approach boundaries in a different way. It has been difficult.
But I am also encouraged to say that I feel more aligned with myself than I ever have.
I am learning that pleasing others and overriding my own needs is counterproductive to the way I want to feel in this second half of life.
That doesn’t always mean ending relationships.
It doesn’t always mean changing careers.
Sometimes it simply means becoming more honest with myself.
And I am happy to report that the relationships in my life are aligned with this growth. The person having the hardest time carrying out these changes is often… me. The people around me have been supportive and understanding.
Because sometimes the greatest conflict in midlife isn’t actually with the people around us.
It’s within us.
It’s the tension between who we have always been and who we are becoming.
Between how we want to live and how we think others expect us to live.
Between what our bodies are telling us and what we’ve been conditioned to ignore.
Between the younger parts of us that learned to survive and the wiser parts of us that are finally ready to thrive.
If this resonates with you, lets more fully bring this into the conversation!
And if you’re curious, let’s explore it together.
We can look at your ACE score, explore the experiences that shaped you, and begin giving those younger parts of you the care and compassion they may have needed all along.
Midlife doesn’t have to be the unraveling of who you are.
Maybe it’s an invitation to finally become more fully yourself!
As always, please feel free to share with anyone who may benefit from this growing information.
It is my goal to continue to educate and reach as many as I can because there is so much we have not been taught. I feel fortunate to have resources and to be learning and want to see all women thrive in the second half of their lives WITHOUT shame or confusion about all that is changing for them!
